i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We don't watch enough power rangers
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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