Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
