I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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