i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
