woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What happened to fro yo and sex?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
