I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
