why didn't you poke me back
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
