Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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