he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
