looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
