You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Text me some of your sweat
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
