Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
