I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
