The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
