im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
