If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
