how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
