I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
