life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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