I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
