having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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