Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You pole danced in your parka.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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