chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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