I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
