so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
