i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
