like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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