"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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