I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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