We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
