I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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