the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
