ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
