Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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