Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
