She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
