I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
