Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You can't special order awesome
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
