connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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