He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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