You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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