After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
