Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
