Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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