This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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