you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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