theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
