wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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