i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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