I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
